Every day I give thanks to the Goddess:
I have two mounds upon my bodice,
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree.

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon.
Can get a massage without a hard on,
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.

I don't act like I'm in a timed marathon,
Every time I go to the john.

Listen to me boys,
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys,
You love them more then we ever will,
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.

I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the... score.

I won't lose my hair.
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

I don't wear the same underwear every day,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.

I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker,
I follow the rules.

I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi."
And it's okay for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT,"
But compared to a woman,
You just ain't SHIT!